No One Prepares You for the Firsts

They warn you about sleepless nights.
They warn you about dirty diapers.
They don’t warn you about the first time you get baby poop on your elbow and just shrug because you’re too tired to care.

Parenthood is basically one big series of “firsts,” and no matter how many books you read or advice columns you scroll through at 3 a.m., you’re still going to be caught completely off guard.

The First Cry (a.k.a. Baby’s Airhorn Test)

You think you know what a baby’s cry sounds like — you don’t.
The first one will make your heart leap into your throat, your palms sweat, and your brain shout, “DO SOMETHING!”
Meanwhile, your newborn is just saying, “Congrats, you work for me now.”

The First Night Home

You’d think getting discharged would be exciting — and it is — until you get home, set the car seat down, and realize… there are no nurses here. No help desk. No user manual.
It’s just you, your partner, and a tiny CEO who doesn’t speak English but is very, very demanding.

Dad Tip: Learn to swaddle fast — not for the baby, but to protect your sanity. A well-wrapped baby is a happy baby. A poorly wrapped baby is a 2 a.m. banshee.

The First Laugh

Ah yes, the holy grail of baby milestones. After weeks of spit-up and questionable smells, you finally get a laugh.

It’s so good you immediately try to make it happen again… only to discover your baby does not think you’re funny and just wants a bottle.

Lyla’s first giggle fit happened, and continues to happen, in her sleep.  She has yet to consciously laugh or giggle at us

The First “Blowout”

No one can prepare you for the moment you open that diaper and just… stare.
How?

How did it get on the back of their neck?

This is the day you learn the true value of those backup onesies people told you to pack “just in case.”

Survival Tip: Never, under any circumstances, remove the diaper before you have the new one ready.

The First Time They Sleep Through the Night

You wake up at 6 a.m., heart pounding, because you realize you haven’t been woken up since midnight.

 You rush to check the baby, only to find them peacefully snoozing like nothing happened.
You should go back to bed.

 Instead, you stand there like a creep, just watching and making sure they can breathe.

The First Public Meltdown

It will happen.
It will be loud.
It will be in the middle of Target.
Your options:

1. Pretend to be calm and collected.
   
2. Join them and cry too.
   

The Thing About Firsts

The firsts are messy, hilarious, exhausting, and occasionally terrifying — but they’re also the moments you’ll talk about for years.
No one prepares you for them, and maybe that’s a good thing.
Because when you finally get through each “first,” you realize you’re doing it. You’re actually a parent.

And that’s the funniest part — you thought you’d need a manual, but really, you just needed caffeine, wipes, and a sense of humor.