These are words I’ve been dreading: “Daddy has to go to work.”

With Mika already working remotely, I’ve been slowly accepting the reality that my full days at home with our baby girl are about to shrink into just a few precious hours. I knew this day would come, but I’ve been pushing it to the back of my mind for as long as possible. Now it is drawing near, and it’s time to prepare for it..

Finding Our New Rhythm

My shift doesn’t start until what I’d call “late morning.” That gives me at least one solid hour in the morning—if I wake up when Mika does—to spend with Lyla. During that time, Mika can get ready for work while I get some uninterrupted daddy-daughter time. A small win for everyone.

Once I leave, though, I won’t be back for about 10 hours. The commute is rough, and by the time I roll in, it’s already dinner.  The job can be pretty physically demanding.  Climbing ladders, lift heavy equipment and components.  Not everyday is the same though.  Usually by the end of the day though, I have put in some decent work and have a nice layer of dirt and grime to show for it.  So when I get home, I am tired, dirty, and ready to try and relax. I’ll have just a few hours to wash up, change, and squeeze in some family time before bedtime.

The On-Call Wildcard

And then there’s the kicker: on-call shifts. I don’t mind putting in overtime—it’s hard not to think about saving for that college fund—but it means there will be days when I’m working 16-hour stretches. Sometimes I’ll get called out in the middle of the night, meaning I miss my morning and just head into work before Mika has a chance to say “Good Morning”.  I know how it sounds, and I actually do like my job.  Love it really.  Having a kid now though has definitely rewired my thought processes though and has me considering things I haven’t really though of until now.  How much time do I spend at work?  How much OT is really worth it?  Do I actually have a good work life balance?  I haven’t really considered those things before.  Mika is a grown woman and understands that the job can be demanding, and the OT helps fill the savings, but Lyla won’t understand once she is older.  She’ll just know that daddy isn’t home. This job can eat 50–60 hours a week before I even notice.

And that’s what has me worried.

The Fear of Being Absent

I don’t want to be the dad who’s always at work. Lyla is still so little—not even three months old as I write this—but I know how fast time goes. I don’t want to blink and realize I missed the moments that matter.  I know I am going to miss some of her ‘firsts’, I can only hope to be there for the big milestones.  I know I am going to miss out on some bedtime stories, it is just the nature of this job.  I know I am going to cause some late night tantrums when she just wants her dad and I am out working a late night call out.

Maybe I’ll figure out a schedule that works better. Maybe I’ll win the lotto (hey, I can dream). But for now, all I can do is stay prepared, keep showing up for the bedtime stories that I have control over, hit pause on the game or walk away from the match early, and be there in the moments that really count.

Because in the end, it’s not about the number of hours—it’s about the memories made in them.  Hopefully that will be enough.